Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
