meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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