i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
