Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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