her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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