Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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