It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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