people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
