nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
