I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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