I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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