An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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