neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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