I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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