Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
