nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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