Heybabeimwearingurpanties
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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