I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
