Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
