I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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