I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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