The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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