ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
