apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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