it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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