I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
