People in love make me want to vomit
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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