my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
