doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
