i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
