Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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