I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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