Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
