tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
