I think my vagina is haunted
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
