So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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