Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
