so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
