He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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