I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
