Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
