Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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