Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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