i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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