I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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