I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
