HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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