according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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