i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
