I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
