They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
