I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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