The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Drake has all the answers
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
you never un-have a 4some
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