So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
