He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
